My penance

I'm slowly realizing that there is no God.

I have struggled with this concept for most of my life. And what the peeling layers are revealing is that there is indeed, no God but the one I create in my head. There is no hand of fate stirring my pot, save for the one attached to my own arm, stirring the pot of choices inside my wicked little mind.

I miss them so much. My heart is cracked and my soul is withered. And it's all my fault... No blame but my own naivete.

It's not really depression. Just the blistering pain of being fully aware that this is my reality and there is no hope for help outside of myself.

Motherless Child, Childless Mother

This time of year always finds me toiling. When I was younger, they called it "Seasonal Affective Disorder". It came. I slept. It left. When I was in my 20's, I was just "contemplative & restless". It came. I wrote. It left. Now, it's a straight-out depression. It came. I swallow pills. It stays.

I find myself often contemplating life in general, as well as my purpose in this great big web of lies. How is it that some of us struggle so much, while others seem to just have the pieces fall into place? Some of us have our paths so clearly laid out in our heads that nothing could derail them. Others of us struggle to find a path our whole lives.

Ugh. I don't even have the attention span to finish this....

Is this the end of Hekaterina as I know her? The muse seems to have completely left. There is no passion in my soul to exude. I wish I could say "lately" but honestly, it's been over a year now since I wrote anything worth sharing. I'm more than a little concerned. Frankly, I'm distraught. Imagine trying to speak and not being able to move your tongue. That's what me without words is. I've always written. Always. I wish I had my 1st journal still. Sometimes I'd like to find that midget that burned down our house and kick him in the groin as hard as possible for all the things he stole from me, from my family. Then I remember...oh yeah...I did meet him. Too bad I didn't realize it in time. I would've had some choice words for him, trust me. Now I'll probably never get that chance. But then again, famous last words...

anger

I'm not sure why, but lately I'm having very real anger issues.

I mean, seriously? I'm not 15. What's going on here, anyway? I'd really like to figure it out. What IS it that's got me so tied up? I wish I knew. I wish I could say I was even close to knowing. Honestly, the only thing I know for sure is that I'm very unhappy in just about every aspect of my life.

I guess part of it is that I'm just so disappointed. I see myself as a failure. A product of a failed system, there really is nothing glimmering anymore. I wish I could say this was quiet (or boisterous, even) desperation, but really it's not. I'm not depressed. I'm not depraved. I'm not even tired. I'm just finally seeing it all with fully opened eyes.

Is this really all I've become?

Been a while...

I guess I've wanted to update. I just didn't figure I had anything worthy of whining about. At least...not to the general intarwebz publix. Anyway...

I just finished two months with a personal trainer. It pretty much changed my life. I eat completely different than I used to. I'm about 10 pounds lighter and a size or two smaller, including the sisters, but hey, win some-lose some...I'll consider it a WIN. EPIC. They've been crowding me out for a while now anyway. Damn ignorant bitches.

So, I've been trying to decide which direction my life is taking me lately.

And I've come up with...swirling the doldrums.

My compass seems to be broken. It just keeps spinning. Normally this wouldn't alarm me, but I've been fixing said instrument & realigning said navigations for the better part of two years, this voyage. I'm beginning to think I've gone round the bend. Perhaps there is no fixing this damage. Perhaps I shall just embrace it with every quivering fiber of my blackened being.

The Muse has left me, I'm afraid.

Life Musings

So, seeing as I have had a wagon load of free time the last week or so, I've been noticing some things.

1. I get bored easily.
2. When I get bored, I get antsy.
3. When I get antsy, I find interesting things to do.
4. Interesting things get me in trouble.
5. Trouble LOVES me.

6. I dream too much & work too little.
7. Time passes too fast for my mind to follow.
8. When I want words, I get images.
9. When I have images, I get sketch-blocked.
10. When I want ideas, I get words without ambition.

11. I already gave up on this list.

:)

6:00 a.m. with the trainer. Oops. I lied. 7:00 a.m. with the trainer. I have to be up at 6. Do you know the last time I saw 6 & was upright? Yeah, me neither. The man is gonna kill me.

WTF happened to April?

No, seriously. Where's April? I know I was busting my ass the first part of the month to finish out the tax season, but tomorrow is Earth Day, for Jesus H. Christ's sake! (BTW, if you follow Sam's recent drunken logic, the "H" must stand for Hitler, but that's another blog entirely, and one I'm bound to get to sooner rather than later, b/c honestly, it's funny ass shit) And now, it's been one week since you looked at me, tossed your head to the side...ah fuck. So anyway, 7 measley days since Tax Day, and where have I been? Oh yeah, I was hiding out in Ithaca at Sam's cabin b/c I conjured ::dun, duhn, dunnnnnn:: The Pox, Chicken if you're nasty, & Measles. Ohhh, so that's where those 7 measley days went. Dang!

So, the rash is healed over (minus ONE stubborn mountain of a pock) but I'm still running a fever & glands are still swollen. Doc says no work until Monday. Grrrz. Meh. IDK what's worse...being home or being home. *pout*

On happier fronts, I have recently acquired a conglomeration of new acrylic paints, brushes & canvases, (and by acquired I mean, AC Moore had a booku bitchin sale!) with which I plan to display my lament. MWuHaHahHahHah! :D

I've also been working on the latest novel. The leg work is what's killing my motivation on this one. I want to get to the nitty gritty. Dang! Write, kitty, write!

Now to drown myself in my whole wheat spaghetti, lightly tossed in olive oil, garlic & italian blend spices, fresh cracked pepper & butter. Yes, butter. Processed foodstuffs aren't going in THIS temple any longer! Meh. Butter.

So...wait...WHAT?!

Yeah...that's me literally SCREECHING.

I just found out that by 2014 I am going to be PENALIZED for not having insurance.

My EMPLOYER is exempt from offering me insurance, b/c I am one of 2 employees.

Because I am single, even though my income is lightly moderate, I am outside the 'safe range' of the FPL.

My annual PENALTY for NOT RACKING UP MEDICAL BILLS or using the medical system will be approx $695-750. *side note: I have NEVER had insurance & I have NEVER spent that much in one year for health care bills.*

& that's just ONE part of this wonderful BILL that is going to FUCK ME OVER. But you know who it helps? The ghetto. The low-incomers. The people we are ALREADY working our asses off to support.

I'm so SICK TO DEATH of this NEW USA & it's fucking CHANGE.
I'm SICK of fucking OBAMA & the CHANGE TROOPS.
I'm SICK of the UNITED LIARS of AMERICA.

I thought Bush was horrid. I thought it couldn't possibly get any worse. I was wrong. Shoulda left the continent back then when I had age & naiivity on my side. I'd drink myself to sleep except I can't afford to risk liver damage in my late years. FUUUUUUUUUCK.

p.s. no offense to any of my friends who support our President. I don't specifically have issue with HIM, just his policies. Most of all, I guess I'm just frustrated that this whole thing is getting rushed into place just b/c he promised it. I mean, really...Health Care Reform has been desperately needed for a long while now, but rushing to push it out JUST BC he promised it is NOT a good enough reason to get it done in this way. There are SO many BIGGER issues that are being ignored. I don't even think I was this frustrated with G.Dub. And he was a Class-1 Grade A Dumbshit.

Fresh Start March...WTF?

I've been on this weird radical eff'd up journey over the last year or so. I wish I could calm my sensory overload long enough to write about it, but the truth of the matter is that I'm still fully experiencing all of it. Who the hell wants to stop the ride just to indulge some voyeuristic tendencies?! LOL

That being said, it is definitely time to get back to business.

My weight hasn't budged in 6 months, although I've lost 2 pants sizes. And I'm really not that much better off emotionally, financially or spiritually than I was a year ago. Truth be told, I might as well have just offed myself because all I've done in the last 365 days of my "rebirth" is take up space. Oh yeah, btw, today is the one year anniversary of the day I nearly removed myself from the gene pool in a fairly permanent sort of manner (no accounting for reincarnation, mind you).

Meh. Perhaps it's the flu talking. Perhaps I'm just bored. Angst is always good fodder for the creativity gods. Eff it. I'm not too proud to admit that I'm not special. That's probably been the biggest realization of the last year, for me. All my life I was groomed to be "something" and in the end, it's come to light that I am truly just "nothing different" at all. LOL I wonder if my mother can realize that from wherever she's at now. A lot of good all that prodding, poking, bitching and destruction of my self-esteem did. And for her own, regarding horrible parenting skills she thought my failures proved--which is complete bullshit because anyone who knew her knows what a decent soul she really was. I'm not sure I'll ever understand why she chose to torture herself via my childhood incarnation. Because in the end, we both failed. She just got to leave the party earlier.

Bloggity Blog...

Just a note... I have moved all my personal works (poetry/prose, etc.) to my Facebook fan page. There is a link on the sidebar if you're interested.

That being said, I'm going to start using this blog more regularly. My other outlets have become stale. My brain just died. Time for sleep.