I've started a website for my philosophical essays. Don't ask why, because I have no idea what could've possibly made me think I can muster the energy to nurture yet another project. However, a bunch of really odd things have played out recently that have caused the gears to turn once more. Perhaps someday within the next 2 years, you will see me writing about my antics at one Cornell University's Sage School of Philosophy, as has been the "pipe dream" since 2002.
http://feelossohfur.weebly.com/
:)
Think freely, my friends.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Moved...
May 17, 2011
Well this move is officially - 50% done. Maybe 60%.... I should be glad to be moving into this stage of my life, but it seems that I'm just destined for drama. I officially have 11 months and 15 days left in this lease. I hope that I can last that long with this man. Funny how you can be solid for so long and then all of a sudden just want to never see them again. Honestly, I'll be happy to just live in the kids' bedroom for the remainder of the lease. Good God.
Well this move is officially - 50% done. Maybe 60%.... I should be glad to be moving into this stage of my life, but it seems that I'm just destined for drama. I officially have 11 months and 15 days left in this lease. I hope that I can last that long with this man. Funny how you can be solid for so long and then all of a sudden just want to never see them again. Honestly, I'll be happy to just live in the kids' bedroom for the remainder of the lease. Good God.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Addictions...
It calls out to me like a forlorn lover, whispering pleadings of a final secret tryst. But where the meeting of anguished lovers leads to yet another, and another, one after the other, nibbles and pinches of attention in darkened corners of torrid corridors, so too would this follow should I allow such a seemingly minor infraction of the new Law to occur.
And still it beckons, like a raging heartbeat from beneath the floorboards begging for acknowledgement, beseeching too pathetically for ignored actions to find themselves reversed, and instead caught open-palm with grace and acceptance.
Lo, my will is strong! I will not bow to this inanimate thing…this beast of gears, plastic parts and guilt!
I will not hear…
I will not…
I will…
…not betray it’s seductive wail and teasing curves as it appears to inch bit by bit closer to the door, fluttering its wares like curled eyelashes of an over effervescent schoolgirl just outside the full view of my frame. Entranced, I rise and approach it. A heavy sigh escapes as if long separated lovers had reunited and as I find myself caught up in the euphoria of her coolness stinging and caressing the soles of my feet, the rush of anticipation as the verdict is deliberated…
…3…
…2…
…1…
…And as quickly as it swelled, the fall ensures. The jury has spoken. The judge has delivered. The accused walks the day as both convict and jailer, dually penitent and punishing. Dutifully, the sentence will be carried out in waves of restrictions, self-loathing, exertions and reminders of sheep who stray and are forever lost to the flock. Vowing always to never again lay eyes on the vice, yet knowing the call will grow to an inexcusable volume in due time once more.
And still it beckons, like a raging heartbeat from beneath the floorboards begging for acknowledgement, beseeching too pathetically for ignored actions to find themselves reversed, and instead caught open-palm with grace and acceptance.
Lo, my will is strong! I will not bow to this inanimate thing…this beast of gears, plastic parts and guilt!
I will not hear…
I will not…
I will…
…not betray it’s seductive wail and teasing curves as it appears to inch bit by bit closer to the door, fluttering its wares like curled eyelashes of an over effervescent schoolgirl just outside the full view of my frame. Entranced, I rise and approach it. A heavy sigh escapes as if long separated lovers had reunited and as I find myself caught up in the euphoria of her coolness stinging and caressing the soles of my feet, the rush of anticipation as the verdict is deliberated…
…3…
…2…
…1…
…And as quickly as it swelled, the fall ensures. The jury has spoken. The judge has delivered. The accused walks the day as both convict and jailer, dually penitent and punishing. Dutifully, the sentence will be carried out in waves of restrictions, self-loathing, exertions and reminders of sheep who stray and are forever lost to the flock. Vowing always to never again lay eyes on the vice, yet knowing the call will grow to an inexcusable volume in due time once more.
From the Brink...
Today, I hiked the Super Mario Bros Trail with Sam. We tried to find the Ridge Trail to the jumping point, but our 1st attempt landed us on a deer trail and a sudden end to that path. Now, he knew that trail wasn’t the regular way to the Ridge Trail. He believed me when I insisted that I’d witnessed other hikers ascending it. Even though he knew I had never myself taken that path, nor had I even seen the Ridge path, he led the way on my insistence, up the near vertical staircase of roots, stones and crevices, happy to just explore uncharted terrain with me. When the path delivered an overlook, we determined that following the “trail” towards the sound of the rushing water surely would lead to the actual Ridge trail, but instead the path proved itself a poorly developed deer trail.
Facing a steep slope, no trail, no roots to grab and a muddy slide/fall some 30 feet to the bottom, I contemplated my mortality in a very real and tangible fashion for the 1st time in a long time. I’m quite glad to report that my thoughts were not of accolades that I would not have had the chance to accomplish, but of the faces of my three cherubs, and the life with them that I would cruelly be starved of even as worms could become fat with full bellies of my corpse’s putrid leftovers. And of the irony of my most sacred and favorite sanctuary becoming the last place on God’s beautiful Earth that my living eyes would experience.
For a solid few minutes as I could hear and sense Sam making the treacherous descent, even as these thoughts filled my heart, I feared for his skidding straight past me, shooting over the tiny lip on which I was presently perched clasping a well-placed yearling tree. Caught in a moment of contemplation, I knew I must leap out of his way so that he could have a chance at grabbing the small trunk, or create an alternate transverse route. I did both. Quickly, I slid to the left, spun my back to the creek and caught a well-placed stone with the toe of my right foot, just in time to witness Sam land at the tree and realize my sandal was off my heel.
We made it to the bottom, muddy, scratchy and teasing each other about our adventurous spirits, but for me the exercise proved a grander point: Trust is real, and Faith exists.
We did re-enter the main trail, and even found our way to the Ridge Trail. The climbs and descents always teach me new and exciting or frustrating truths about my body and psyche, but beyond the fascinating secrets of the gorge, or the beauty of the vista offered at the cliffs towering several stories above the 3rd Dam, I will take with me from this adventure something no amount of vocabulary can express. Perhaps we are adrenaline junkies, or perhaps the condition of an extended winter hardened our resolve, and therefore the persistence for adventure, or maybe we are just two peas in a rock-n-roll pod. Life changes us as we change it, but as long as we face it together, we conquer it – not the other way around.
Facing a steep slope, no trail, no roots to grab and a muddy slide/fall some 30 feet to the bottom, I contemplated my mortality in a very real and tangible fashion for the 1st time in a long time. I’m quite glad to report that my thoughts were not of accolades that I would not have had the chance to accomplish, but of the faces of my three cherubs, and the life with them that I would cruelly be starved of even as worms could become fat with full bellies of my corpse’s putrid leftovers. And of the irony of my most sacred and favorite sanctuary becoming the last place on God’s beautiful Earth that my living eyes would experience.
For a solid few minutes as I could hear and sense Sam making the treacherous descent, even as these thoughts filled my heart, I feared for his skidding straight past me, shooting over the tiny lip on which I was presently perched clasping a well-placed yearling tree. Caught in a moment of contemplation, I knew I must leap out of his way so that he could have a chance at grabbing the small trunk, or create an alternate transverse route. I did both. Quickly, I slid to the left, spun my back to the creek and caught a well-placed stone with the toe of my right foot, just in time to witness Sam land at the tree and realize my sandal was off my heel.
We made it to the bottom, muddy, scratchy and teasing each other about our adventurous spirits, but for me the exercise proved a grander point: Trust is real, and Faith exists.
We did re-enter the main trail, and even found our way to the Ridge Trail. The climbs and descents always teach me new and exciting or frustrating truths about my body and psyche, but beyond the fascinating secrets of the gorge, or the beauty of the vista offered at the cliffs towering several stories above the 3rd Dam, I will take with me from this adventure something no amount of vocabulary can express. Perhaps we are adrenaline junkies, or perhaps the condition of an extended winter hardened our resolve, and therefore the persistence for adventure, or maybe we are just two peas in a rock-n-roll pod. Life changes us as we change it, but as long as we face it together, we conquer it – not the other way around.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Hope...
Dare I venture a walk in the waters of hope?
The tide seems to be turning. There is the eternal struggle of little negative things piling up, but then there is this new pile that has been trickling in. Tidbits of positivity & welcome changes. And it's giving the balance scales a run. Perhaps this moment in time will truly be worth remembering as important & positive.
One can dream, ay? :)
The tide seems to be turning. There is the eternal struggle of little negative things piling up, but then there is this new pile that has been trickling in. Tidbits of positivity & welcome changes. And it's giving the balance scales a run. Perhaps this moment in time will truly be worth remembering as important & positive.
One can dream, ay? :)
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