Free-pen'ing

Trapped in this vile alliance,
left to fend for myself,
for the validity of my dreams.
Alone.
Forced to question what I did...
is it something I did?
Perhaps if I were more...
or less...
or nothing at all.
Perhaps a mouse could slay a lion!
I fall deeper in this chasm
tumbling & turning
over & again
with no hope of end
to my nausea & exhaustion.
They say all beauty must pass
this I've found to be true
but for a while I conjured a lie so grand
as to fool myself to the existence of you.
And tonight as it falls,
darkness will warm the frozen bits of my shattered soul.

FROM 4 JAN 12

Today was interesting. Work was actually fun…they had me teamed up with an so06 cook doing ‘chefty’ stuff today. We have to recreate our entire menu & update the recipes weights, contents, etc to match what we “actually” serve vs. what the book says we serve. It’s a little tedious but more fun than I expected. Makes me wonder if maybe I didn’t make a mistake taking this job afterall…like maybe the stepping stone isn’t so far from where I landed when I made the “mistake” of moving to this town & leaving my old career behind. Who knows? Maybe I’m just bonafide insane now instead of questionably so, as previously insinuated.

The gym was awesome. Only had about 45 minutes to kill because we went to the store on the way, but the expresso was open so I jumped on. I knew I had to squeeze in a lot in a short time, so I decided to try a long ride. So far the longest I’ve done was 5.4 miles, so I didn’t think 8.4 would be that big of deal. Yeah….I hit the wall at 5 miles. I pushed through, but it wasn’t pretty! I’m glad no one could tape or anything b/c I know I was making faces that only doulas regularly see. But I made it! And when I crossed that finish line, I very nearly did the double fist pump & yelled “HELL YEAH I BROUGHT IT!” But I didn’t… Ok, I did…internally. ha! Man, I have never worked so hard on a machine as I do on that one. I LOVE EXPRESSO!!!