I'm slowly realizing that there is no God.
I have struggled with this concept for most of my life. And what the peeling layers are revealing is that there is indeed, no God but the one I create in my head. There is no hand of fate stirring my pot, save for the one attached to my own arm, stirring the pot of choices inside my wicked little mind.
I miss them so much. My heart is cracked and my soul is withered. And it's all my fault... No blame but my own naivete.
It's not really depression. Just the blistering pain of being fully aware that this is my reality and there is no hope for help outside of myself.