Wednesday, June 13, 2012


My life lately. Talk about annoying. I recently started meditating daily in an effort to calm my brain & try to sort out some of this internal chaos. My current relationship seems to be some sort of cruel joke-test by the Universe. But really, when is it time to tell the proctor to eff-off?

I wish I could say that I'm just pissy because I was awakened at 6:30am after an extremely fitful night's sleep (thank you & fuck off very much gluten) by getting my arm kicked repeatedly because it was touching his side of the bed & consequently, his leg. [OASN: yes. I sometimes sleep at the foot of the bed when I can't sleep. Habit of childhood. I read somewhere once that it's an intuitive way of shutting off the spiritual/mental receptors. I don't know how true that is, but it's always worked for me & no one ever suggested it, so maybe... At any rate, this severely annoys him, & he's actually the first to take issue with it. So maybe he should piss off, not me...?]

Maybe it IS me. Maybe I've just outgrown him & his Peter Pan ways. I found them endearing when I was spiritually wrecked from my last serious relationship, when I seriously didn't want a damned thing to do with permanency, true love, family or anything else that could render me vulnerable beyond repair. But that was 3 years ago, and I find myself craving true intimacy.

Saturday, June 2, 2012

Why sleep?

I'm tired, & yet I do not sleep. It's not that I don't want to sleep, but rather that I continue to bother myself with the Internet. The Internet is evil; I am convinced. Ok. Pause rant.....

Wednesday, April 25, 2012


If you take your kid to the neighborhood pizzeria/microbrewery for karaoke & free pizza & wings does that make you a horrible person? Lmao!

Monday, April 23, 2012


These days find me swirling a strange bowl. It's actually probably the same bowl, but perhaps the maid snuck in while I was busy drowning myself & scrubbed it behind my back. Things seem somewhat shinier, or even just not as dingy. I assure you, this is not a chemically-induced veil, but possibly a pheromone/hormone one.

I definitely feel that we are all inclined, spiritually if you will, in certain orientations. Some souls are dark, some light, some heavy, some ethereal, some innocent, some far too exposed & some just never show. My own is a hybrid of over-exposed, dark & wishing for ethereal.

In the spirit of this wish, I've been trying to whittle my body away to wispiness for quite a long time now. My results have been dismal. The positive I can take from this however, is that I KNOW how to lose weight & get in shape. I just don't seem to be able to control my consistency.

In the last 2 weeks, I've had some awakenings. The biggest thing I've realized is that I need more positivity in my life. My art, my writing, my life has been slowly draining out of me for the last few years. It used to be that my creativity was fueled by the garbage that life threw at me. Life piled too much though, & I began to drown.

And now I'm choosing to swim. I'm sure I'll always have a dark soul, but I no longer think dark can't be ethereal.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Mobile blogging

It's true: I have jumped feet-first into the ocean of mobile purging. I don't really have anything interesting to say in this installment; I'm really just testing out the blogger app.

Friday, February 10, 2012

Heavy Hangs the Head. (Sept 2011)

I'm not gonna be the peace-maker, the shit-taker or the Go-Fuck-Yourself when-you're-down hater; It's not for you that I wear this CROWN, it's to remind me that I've been much further down & I crawled through the swamp floor to beg in the reeds at the shore, just burnt near to death in the sand traps of opulent fat cats. So take your attitude and stuff it in a ratty size ten shoe, BBQ it until you're blue because you will know when I'm through with you, & I do.

Ambivalence. (Sept 2011)

Out of the depths of my seas growing tiny trees with knobby knees, and if you please, don't sneeze in my breeze; I don't want to be coated in your head cheese; for when you get too close the waves pull you in and over again & over you will spin, like the head of a stick on a drum as it calls out a roll, not like the hay drying in the sun, the evil Beehimer rolls out having fun in wide open spaces while you're stuck in your chair staring at the same dull faces.

Monday, January 23, 2012


Trapped in this vile alliance,
left to fend for myself,
for the validity of my dreams.
Forced to question what I did...
is it something I did?
Perhaps if I were more...
or less...
or nothing at all.
Perhaps a mouse could slay a lion!
I fall deeper in this chasm
tumbling & turning
over & again
with no hope of end
to my nausea & exhaustion.
They say all beauty must pass
this I've found to be true
but for a while I conjured a lie so grand
as to fool myself to the existence of you.
And tonight as it falls,
darkness will warm the frozen bits of my shattered soul.


Today was interesting. Work was actually fun…they had me teamed up with an so06 cook doing ‘chefty’ stuff today. We have to recreate our entire menu & update the recipes weights, contents, etc to match what we “actually” serve vs. what the book says we serve. It’s a little tedious but more fun than I expected. Makes me wonder if maybe I didn’t make a mistake taking this job afterall…like maybe the stepping stone isn’t so far from where I landed when I made the “mistake” of moving to this town & leaving my old career behind. Who knows? Maybe I’m just bonafide insane now instead of questionably so, as previously insinuated.

The gym was awesome. Only had about 45 minutes to kill because we went to the store on the way, but the expresso was open so I jumped on. I knew I had to squeeze in a lot in a short time, so I decided to try a long ride. So far the longest I’ve done was 5.4 miles, so I didn’t think 8.4 would be that big of deal. Yeah….I hit the wall at 5 miles. I pushed through, but it wasn’t pretty! I’m glad no one could tape or anything b/c I know I was making faces that only doulas regularly see. But I made it! And when I crossed that finish line, I very nearly did the double fist pump & yelled “HELL YEAH I BROUGHT IT!” But I didn’t… Ok, I did…internally. ha! Man, I have never worked so hard on a machine as I do on that one. I LOVE EXPRESSO!!!