It calls out to me like a forlorn lover, whispering pleadings of a final secret tryst. But where the meeting of anguished lovers leads to yet another, and another, one after the other, nibbles and pinches of attention in darkened corners of torrid corridors, so too would this follow should I allow such a seemingly minor infraction of the new Law to occur.
And still it beckons, like a raging heartbeat from beneath the floorboards begging for acknowledgement, beseeching too pathetically for ignored actions to find themselves reversed, and instead caught open-palm with grace and acceptance.
Lo, my will is strong! I will not bow to this inanimate thing…this beast of gears, plastic parts and guilt!
I will not hear…
I will not…
I will…
…not betray it’s seductive wail and teasing curves as it appears to inch bit by bit closer to the door, fluttering its wares like curled eyelashes of an over effervescent schoolgirl just outside the full view of my frame. Entranced, I rise and approach it. A heavy sigh escapes as if long separated lovers had reunited and as I find myself caught up in the euphoria of her coolness stinging and caressing the soles of my feet, the rush of anticipation as the verdict is deliberated…
…3…
…2…
…1…
…And as quickly as it swelled, the fall ensures. The jury has spoken. The judge has delivered. The accused walks the day as both convict and jailer, dually penitent and punishing. Dutifully, the sentence will be carried out in waves of restrictions, self-loathing, exertions and reminders of sheep who stray and are forever lost to the flock. Vowing always to never again lay eyes on the vice, yet knowing the call will grow to an inexcusable volume in due time once more.
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My name is Hekaterina Ricci, and this is my soul, for your entertainment.
2 comments:
I've read this a couple times in the last few months. It's the perfect description of the things we're ashamed that we almost did.
I just now saw your comment. Funny thing about this piece is that it's not about what maybe some who don't battle similar demons would see it as. And I wish I could say that here some 8 months later, I didn't still have this daily battle or that my days weren't shaped each day by the verdict delivered.
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