Friday, March 5, 2010

Fresh Start March...WTF?

I've been on this weird radical eff'd up journey over the last year or so. I wish I could calm my sensory overload long enough to write about it, but the truth of the matter is that I'm still fully experiencing all of it. Who the hell wants to stop the ride just to indulge some voyeuristic tendencies?! LOL

That being said, it is definitely time to get back to business.

My weight hasn't budged in 6 months, although I've lost 2 pants sizes. And I'm really not that much better off emotionally, financially or spiritually than I was a year ago. Truth be told, I might as well have just offed myself because all I've done in the last 365 days of my "rebirth" is take up space. Oh yeah, btw, today is the one year anniversary of the day I nearly removed myself from the gene pool in a fairly permanent sort of manner (no accounting for reincarnation, mind you).

Meh. Perhaps it's the flu talking. Perhaps I'm just bored. Angst is always good fodder for the creativity gods. Eff it. I'm not too proud to admit that I'm not special. That's probably been the biggest realization of the last year, for me. All my life I was groomed to be "something" and in the end, it's come to light that I am truly just "nothing different" at all. LOL I wonder if my mother can realize that from wherever she's at now. A lot of good all that prodding, poking, bitching and destruction of my self-esteem did. And for her own, regarding horrible parenting skills she thought my failures proved--which is complete bullshit because anyone who knew her knows what a decent soul she really was. I'm not sure I'll ever understand why she chose to torture herself via my childhood incarnation. Because in the end, we both failed. She just got to leave the party earlier.

2 comments:

~Sarafina~ said...

Girl... just BEING HERE is enough and has purpose.

Love you.

=^..^= said...

Thank you. :) I love you more than you know. Although...I hope you have a little clue. <3