My penance

I'm slowly realizing that there is no God.

I have struggled with this concept for most of my life. And what the peeling layers are revealing is that there is indeed, no God but the one I create in my head. There is no hand of fate stirring my pot, save for the one attached to my own arm, stirring the pot of choices inside my wicked little mind.

I miss them so much. My heart is cracked and my soul is withered. And it's all my fault... No blame but my own naivete.

It's not really depression. Just the blistering pain of being fully aware that this is my reality and there is no hope for help outside of myself.

Motherless Child, Childless Mother

This time of year always finds me toiling. When I was younger, they called it "Seasonal Affective Disorder". It came. I slept. It left. When I was in my 20's, I was just "contemplative & restless". It came. I wrote. It left. Now, it's a straight-out depression. It came. I swallow pills. It stays.

I find myself often contemplating life in general, as well as my purpose in this great big web of lies. How is it that some of us struggle so much, while others seem to just have the pieces fall into place? Some of us have our paths so clearly laid out in our heads that nothing could derail them. Others of us struggle to find a path our whole lives.

Ugh. I don't even have the attention span to finish this....

Is this the end of Hekaterina as I know her? The muse seems to have completely left. There is no passion in my soul to exude. I wish I could say "lately" but honestly, it's been over a year now since I wrote anything worth sharing. I'm more than a little concerned. Frankly, I'm distraught. Imagine trying to speak and not being able to move your tongue. That's what me without words is. I've always written. Always. I wish I had my 1st journal still. Sometimes I'd like to find that midget that burned down our house and kick him in the groin as hard as possible for all the things he stole from me, from my family. Then I remember...oh yeah...I did meet him. Too bad I didn't realize it in time. I would've had some choice words for him, trust me. Now I'll probably never get that chance. But then again, famous last words...

anger

I'm not sure why, but lately I'm having very real anger issues.

I mean, seriously? I'm not 15. What's going on here, anyway? I'd really like to figure it out. What IS it that's got me so tied up? I wish I knew. I wish I could say I was even close to knowing. Honestly, the only thing I know for sure is that I'm very unhappy in just about every aspect of my life.

I guess part of it is that I'm just so disappointed. I see myself as a failure. A product of a failed system, there really is nothing glimmering anymore. I wish I could say this was quiet (or boisterous, even) desperation, but really it's not. I'm not depressed. I'm not depraved. I'm not even tired. I'm just finally seeing it all with fully opened eyes.

Is this really all I've become?

Been a while...

I guess I've wanted to update. I just didn't figure I had anything worthy of whining about. At least...not to the general intarwebz publix. Anyway...

I just finished two months with a personal trainer. It pretty much changed my life. I eat completely different than I used to. I'm about 10 pounds lighter and a size or two smaller, including the sisters, but hey, win some-lose some...I'll consider it a WIN. EPIC. They've been crowding me out for a while now anyway. Damn ignorant bitches.

So, I've been trying to decide which direction my life is taking me lately.

And I've come up with...swirling the doldrums.

My compass seems to be broken. It just keeps spinning. Normally this wouldn't alarm me, but I've been fixing said instrument & realigning said navigations for the better part of two years, this voyage. I'm beginning to think I've gone round the bend. Perhaps there is no fixing this damage. Perhaps I shall just embrace it with every quivering fiber of my blackened being.

The Muse has left me, I'm afraid.

Life Musings

So, seeing as I have had a wagon load of free time the last week or so, I've been noticing some things.

1. I get bored easily.
2. When I get bored, I get antsy.
3. When I get antsy, I find interesting things to do.
4. Interesting things get me in trouble.
5. Trouble LOVES me.

6. I dream too much & work too little.
7. Time passes too fast for my mind to follow.
8. When I want words, I get images.
9. When I have images, I get sketch-blocked.
10. When I want ideas, I get words without ambition.

11. I already gave up on this list.

:)

6:00 a.m. with the trainer. Oops. I lied. 7:00 a.m. with the trainer. I have to be up at 6. Do you know the last time I saw 6 & was upright? Yeah, me neither. The man is gonna kill me.

WTF happened to April?

No, seriously. Where's April? I know I was busting my ass the first part of the month to finish out the tax season, but tomorrow is Earth Day, for Jesus H. Christ's sake! (BTW, if you follow Sam's recent drunken logic, the "H" must stand for Hitler, but that's another blog entirely, and one I'm bound to get to sooner rather than later, b/c honestly, it's funny ass shit) And now, it's been one week since you looked at me, tossed your head to the side...ah fuck. So anyway, 7 measley days since Tax Day, and where have I been? Oh yeah, I was hiding out in Ithaca at Sam's cabin b/c I conjured ::dun, duhn, dunnnnnn:: The Pox, Chicken if you're nasty, & Measles. Ohhh, so that's where those 7 measley days went. Dang!

So, the rash is healed over (minus ONE stubborn mountain of a pock) but I'm still running a fever & glands are still swollen. Doc says no work until Monday. Grrrz. Meh. IDK what's worse...being home or being home. *pout*

On happier fronts, I have recently acquired a conglomeration of new acrylic paints, brushes & canvases, (and by acquired I mean, AC Moore had a booku bitchin sale!) with which I plan to display my lament. MWuHaHahHahHah! :D

I've also been working on the latest novel. The leg work is what's killing my motivation on this one. I want to get to the nitty gritty. Dang! Write, kitty, write!

Now to drown myself in my whole wheat spaghetti, lightly tossed in olive oil, garlic & italian blend spices, fresh cracked pepper & butter. Yes, butter. Processed foodstuffs aren't going in THIS temple any longer! Meh. Butter.